ELEVEN KEYS TO ART STARDOM
VALIE EXPORT by Shelley Lake, animated GIF, digital scene simulation, 2020
ELEVEN KEYS TO ART STARDOM by Shelley Lake
1 Die Young
Dying young has several advantages. Gone are the days of decay and decline. One can become forever young. In early death, the value of the art has no where to go but up. No more art will be made. One’s legacy is locked in for all eternity.
2 A Fine Romance
Marry up. Be sure to marry a famous artist, art dealer or museum curator. You can always get a divorce later.
3 Kill Yourself
What is more romantic than suicide? If you must kill yourself, be creative. Don’t just jump off of a building, do something original. Even better, get murdered.
4 Buy In
One can always buy their way into success. The church was the first bastion of media success. Commerce soon followed with mass cultural appeal. Buy your own art at an astronomical price in a blind auction. That’s how Damien Hirst did it...
5 Make Great Art
Good luck sucker. You might have to die first anyway.
6 Reject Capitalism
Bite the hand that feeds you. Bite down hard. Even better, just chop off that hand, put it in an unmarked box and deliver it to your favorite museum as the highest form of conceptual art.
7 Destroy the Conservative Party
Insult, condescend, and vilify conservative thought leaders, particularly Republican women who advocate the right to life.
8 Dismiss the Star System
There is nothing worse than wanting to be a star. Ignore celebrities.
9 Fuck Art School
Art school is for losers. Those who can—do, those who can’t—teach. Art students are in school because they aren’t artists.
10 Spend time in an insane asylum
Make anti-social, non-conformist behavior a way of life. Befriend those who have a hard time making sense.
11 Write in incomprehensible language
Use the most pretentious unintelligible language to describe what you do and why you do it. Condescend and marginalize people who do not speak your incomprehensible language. Use artspeak and read the New York Times Arts Section regularly for tips.